Colour - Conversion
by PrincessClexa
Summary: Lexa loves Clarke, but love isn't always forever, as much as they both might want it to be. One fateful night a freak accident occurs and Lexa is left broken and alone. They were meant to do everything together. But now any hope of a future together is lost. How can Lexa live without her other half, her soul mate?
1. Chapter 1

_**Everyone please read:**_ _ **This fanficiton is not my own but I really really loved it and I cried my eyes out so I thought maybe other people would want to read it as well! It's from somewhere on tumblr and it was originally a Glee fanficition that was converted to a Camren fancfiction and I have now changed it to a Clexa story. If this is your work and you don't want my version on the internet, message me ASAP and I'll take it down straight away.**_

 _ **I don't mean to break any rules, I just thought people would appreciate being able to read it in the form of a 100 fanficition with Clexa.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: T**_ _ **his work isn't mine and neither are the characters who belong to the amazing writers and show runners of the 100. And obviously the original writer who I am unable to find the name of.**_ __

 _ **Please enjoy! I should be able to update really quickly because I'm only converting it and adding a few of my own scenes along the way.**_

Polis, Present Day.

Raven and Octavia happened to be in town the same day. Both of them brought flowers, Raven brought white lilies and Octavia brought pink roses. When they saw each other at the entrance, they flashed each other a surprised look followed by a quick smile.

"Hey. I didn't know you were going to be here." Raven said.

"Yeah, it's crazy, isn't it?" Octavia replied. "Are you here for…"

"Yeah." Raven cut her off before she could say anymore. The two walked along side each other down the stone path, passing a fountain before continuing to speak.

"What brings you back to Polis?" Raven asked.

"Oh, you know…it's…" Octavia trailed off.

"The anniversary." the older girl finished. Octavia smiled sadly at the ground, trying so hard not to tear up.

"It's been, what, five years since then?"

"Yeah. Five years." Raven replied. "How's Lincoln doing?"

"Lincoln's going for his masters. He has a huge assignment due otherwise he would be here." Octavia stated. "We finally got an apartment together once he got his teaching fellowship." Raven smiled at the thought.

"I never thought Lincoln would even get past college."

"He's really passionate about education. Something about following in his father's footsteps, I guess." Octavia explained.

"And you're still working on that album?"

"I'm taking a break, for now at least. But I'm looking to get it finished before the year ends" Octavia flashed a hopeful grin in Raven's direction.

"I hope you do. You were the most passionate out of all of us." Raven touched her shoulder gently and the brunette welcomed the warmth of her fingers. It was such a cold day out, nothing surprising given that it was November but it was perhaps this day in particular that made it especially bitter.

"How's Bellamy?"

"Oh, you know, out travelling the world. Last I heard he was somewhere in Tennessee. He sends postcards every now and then and I get to call him during the evenings if he isn't busy."

"That sounds exactly like my brother. He seems to be doing well." Octavia said. "I mean, it was always his dream ever since he was little…" Raven stopped mid-step, causing Octavia to stumble forward a little. "Raven?" the once tanned girl's skin had turned a deathly grey and her mouth dropped. Octavia had never seen a look so scared and so surprised on her face before. She followed her gaze forward and nearly dropped her flowers when she saw what Raven was so focused on.

"Oh my god." The younger girl whispered. "It can't be…"

A woman in a tan trench coat stood about a hundred feet ahead with her back facing the two of them. Her hair was about waist length, long and curled with tiny braids running throughout it. She held a bouquet of yellow daisies in her arms, cradled like it was a child. She knelt down and put the flowers on the soft grass in front of the tomb stone. She rested her head against the tomb stone and put one hand on it. Raven heard her whisper something.

"I've missed you…" The woman said.

"Raven…" Octavia grabbed her arm. "Raven…that's…"

"Shut up…I know." Raven hissed. She thought back to a conversation she had with

Bellamy two days ago.

It was 3 in the morning when Bellamy called her. She looked at her cellphone angrily.

"What?" She demanded, putting the phone to her ear.

"Raven. I saw her." He said urgently.

"Her?" Raven asked.

"Rae, I saw her. She's here. I talked with her for all of three seconds. Babe, she's alive and she's well." Raven suddenly got a lot more awake.

"Are you serious? We haven't seen or heard from her in years." Raven hissed.

"I think she's going back to Polis. She acted like she didn't even know who I was. She just said 'I don't know who you're talking about' and left. But I know it was her. She hasn't changed since…since then." Raven felt her blood run cold. Bellamy's words trickled in syllable by syllable and she closed her eyes to absorb it all.

"Are you sure?" She demanded.

"I overheard her talking with the bartender asking how long it took to get from here to Polis."

"Oh my god."

"Rae, you need to get on a plane to Polis right now. If she's going back, this could be our only chance." Rave turned on her laptop and booked the soonest flight she could find, despite the fact that it cost a good fortune for being so last minute and business class too. But money was the last thing on her mind. A thousand thoughts flew through her brain and she tried to sort through them all.

We haven't seen her since she ran away.

What the hell has she been doing? Does she know we've been worried sick about her?

Why is she coming back to Polis after all this time away?

Should I call the others? Oh god…I don't even know what to say to her on the off chance I see her there.

And then Raven realized what it was that was bringing her back to Polis and she dropped her cellphone. Bellamy on the other end kept saying "hello" but Raven pressed the red button. She let her head fall into her hands and she cried while the website registered her flight.

The impossible was happening right now. That same girl that vanished so many years ago was kneeling in front of the gravestone. Raven took a few steps forward, not sure what to say and all too afraid that saying anything at all would scare her away again.

"We need to think about this. Oh god. Oh god." Octavia whispered.

"Now is not the time to be freaking out, Blake." Raven snapped.

"You two are about as subtle as a screaming child." The woman chuckled, standing up.

"You think I couldn't hear you from a mile away, breathing through your mouths like that?" She turned around. Raven held her breath and planted her feet firmly into the ground, prepared to stop the woman if she tried to make a break for it. The woman in front of her noticed her stance.

"Relax." She said, putting up her hand. "I'm not going anywhere. I trust Bellamy told you about his little meeting with me?"

"Where have you been these past few years?" Octavia asked. The woman shrugged.

"Physically? Everywhere. Emotionally? With her." She motioned back towards the gravestone. "Still am." She added sadly. Octavia fought the urge to hug her. She could tell that it wouldn't have done any good. Raven on the other hand walked right over to her, put the flowers down beside the yellow daisies and slapped her hard. Her cold hand left a quickly reddening mark on the other woman's cheek.

"You act like nothing has happened." Raven yelled.

"Raven!" Octavia exclaimed. The woman smirked.

"And?"

"You left us four years and nine months ago, precisely three months after it happened. You left all of us, floundering at our stupid school championship game, worried to death about where you were, what you were doing, if you had…" Raven trailed off.

"Died?" The woman finished. "Like I said, emotionally, I'm with her."

"Don't give me that." Raven's eyes narrowed dangerously. "We all lost her, okay?"

"You didn't lose her like I did!" The woman shouted, then as if startled by her own anger, clasped a hand over her mouth and turned away. Her forest green eyes clouded with pain and sadness, tears threatening to spill over. "You didn't…you didn't love her like I did."

"I'm sorry…" Raven touched her shoulder.

"Just…just go. Leave your flowers and go."

"No. I want us to talk. I don't want you disappearing again without telling us anything. You're our friend and I'd rather go to hell than let you do that to us again." Raven demanded.

"Please, just talk to us. You owe us that much. Let's just go for coffee…and after that…you can do whatever you want." Octavia pleaded. Raven whipped around. She was not going to be satisfied with just that but the other girl looked at her with eyes that said, "let's take it slow…"

"Fine. Just coffee." The woman replied. "But give me a minute here, okay?" Raven looked at her sceptically. "I promise I won't run off. If you're worried, my car is out front, the silver one, okay? I won't run away." Raven nodded and turned around. Octavia walked up and put her flowers to the left of the others. She gave the woman a sad smile and hugged her, despite her earlier conclusion. To her surprise, the woman didn't push her away and Octavia took it as an acceptance.

Together, the two walked back to the entrance. As soon as they disappeared from view, the woman turned back around. She stuck her hand in her pockets and knelt down again.

"Hey." She whispered, tracing the letters on the grave. "I'm sorry I didn't visit for so long. It's me, Clarke. It's Lexa."

 _ **What does everyone think?**_

 _ **I intend to write a few of my own scenes so that it fits in with the characters personalities and the 100 universe better.**_

 _ **Feel free to leave a comment or kudos - always appreciated**_


	2. Chapter 2

So I merged a few chapters together and changed quite a bit because I felt like it didn't really fit in with the 100 and its themes.

Enjoy and let me know what you think.

Polis, Five Years Ago

"WHOO! TAKE IT OFF!" Bellamy shouted obnoxiously to Raven who was taking off her liquor stained shirt. She glared angrily at the boy who had been the reason for her drenched state.

"Bellamy, shut up." She hissed. Harper draped her blazer over Raven's thin shoulders.

"Come on, let's find you something to wear." She said, leading her up to her room. Bellamy shrugged and downed the rest of his cup. He looked around.

"Who wants to play spin the bottle?" He asked, grabbing the nearest empty beer bottle. Octavia shook her head.

"Bell, look around. Who is single? And who would want to kiss you?" She said. Bellamy took one glance around the room. Anya and a girl named Ontari were making out across the room. Octavia and Lincoln were holding hands while Lincoln stared suspiciously at Bellamy. Monroe looked like if he tried anything, she'd mount his head as a decorative item on her wall. That left Monty and Jasper, neither of whom Bellamy wanted to go anywhere near in a sexual way.

"Hold on, where are Lexa and Clarke?" He asked.

"Probably making out somewhere." Monroe replied. All the guys in the room went silent and coughed awkwardly, suddenly feeling slightly uncomfortable, especially in the case of how their pants were quickly becoming too tight.

"Anyway, it's not like they'd want to make out with anyone in this room anyway." Octavia said quickly, trying to bring the focus back to the issue at hand.

"Hey, I made out with both of them!" Bellamy defended. "Maybe they want a threesome."

"That was for a game of truth or dare, how stupid are you?" Monroe snapped. "They're obviously in love with each other."

"Monroe is right." Harper interrupted, coming back down the steps. "Besides, ever since the two of them came back from TonDC, Lexa hasn't taken off a certain accessory." She smiled coyly, pointing to her ring finger before doing a very Beyonce-esque dip. "Single ladies, they are not."

"Woah...wait..." Lincoln said, putting out a hand. "You don't mean..."

"Uh, duh." Monroe replied, rolling her eyes. "Octavia, really, get his brain checked out. I think maybe the helmet doesn't help enough."

"Are you serious? I thought it was just a friggin trinket or something." Bellamy said in disbelief.

"Right. The two of them just happened to get matching 'trinkets' and came out hardcore as a couple to the point where Coach Indra contemplated kicking them off the team before admiring their 'attention grabbing stunts.'" Harper said sarcastically.

"They're engaged?" Monty's voice was unnaturally high pitched.

"If those rings are any indication." Harper nodded. As if sensing that they were the subject of conversation, Lexa and Clarke walked back in the room from the backyard, giggling. Lexa's hair was tousled, some of her intricate braids were coming undone and her makeup was smeared. Clarke was falling all over her and kissing her on the cheek every few seconds.

"Where have you two been?" Harper asked with a smile.

"None of your business." Lexa slurred. Harper raised her eyebrow knowingly.

"Nice...hickey, Lex." She commented. Lexa clapped a hand against her neck where a dark red mark showed plainly.

"Damn it Clarke." She muttered, leaning against the younger girl. Everyone in the room was more focused on their hands, linked together. More importantly, they were focused on Clarke's left hand, nestled between Lexa's. A small silver ring gleamed brightly on her ring finger.

"What's your problem?" Lexa snapped, not too drunk to notice everyone's gaze.

"Babe..." Clarke leaned over and stroked her face, trying to get her to calm down. "Can you get me some water? I'm thirsty..." Lexa stood up in a huff and walked up the stairs. Clarke's gaze followed her lovingly.

"So...spill." Monroe sat down next to Clarke.

"Heeey..." Camila said drunkenly. "That's my Lexi's seat."

"Oh, I'll get out of it as soon as she gets back." Monroe replied. "So...what's with the shiny?" She gestured towards Clarke's hand. Clarke giggled and smiled more widely than most of the people in the room had seen her smile.

"It's a secret. Lexa told me I can't tell you. We're going to be together forever." Upon hearing this, Octavia and Anya squealed at the top of their lungs.

"I knew it!" Octavia screamed and clasped both her hands over her mouth. Harper smiled and then, upon looking at Clarke's skirt, coloured and turned away.

"Um. Princess. I love you, but you're missing something." She said awkwardly. Clarke looked puzzled for a second before standing up suddenly.

"Ah! I forgot my panties in the backyard!" Everyone in the room went dead silent as the blonde skipped out of the room. Bellamy's eyes trailed after her, trying to catch a glimpse. After a minute, Lexa stumbled back down, holding a glass of water. Everyone in the room started cheering and Octavia grabbed Lexa's free hand and shook it.

"If I may speak on behalf of everyone, congratulations!" Octavia said.

"Okay, what the hell?" Lexa said, eyeing everyone warily.

"You know, most high school relationships don't last very long. I'm surprised you'd be such a romantic to propose." Harper stated. Lexa's jaw dropped.

"Who the fuck told?"

"Your fiancee." Harper replied with flourish. "Besides, we're not blind." She cast a look over her shoulder at the boys. "Well, at least the non-mentally challenged ones. We know matching rings when we see them."

"Oh my god." Lexa sat down on the steps.

"So how did you do it?" Monroe asked.

"No, shut up."

"Was it in a restaurant? Were you all dressed up and did you kneel? Oh my god, did she cry? Anya asked.

"I bet you did it in a field somewhere with stars above your head." Raven said dreamily.

"I bet she did it after they had sex." Bellamy suggested.

"She did it, ok?" Lexa yelled, trying to get everyone to stop making her head hurt. It did the job and there was a surprised silence.

"Woah, Princess...baller." Ontari said.

"Ok, there, I said it. Now where is she?" Lexa felt like burying her face in the ground. She was sure that she was red, and not just from the alcohol.

"I saw her headed towards the pool just a minute ago." Raven said, finally coming back down the stairs.

"I bet she's planning on skinny dipping." Bellamy laughed.

"It looked like she dropped something in the water." Raven replied, smacking him upside the head. Everyone laughed but for Lexa, everything else drowned out. Words blurred together and she saw the glass of water drop from her hands. Everything became slow motion as she stood up.

"CLARKE!" She screamed and her voice sounded unnaturally hoarse. Everyone turned to look at her as she bolted towards the back door. "SHE CAN'T SWIM!" Suddenly everyone was on their feet and racing past the glass door. Lexa was the first to reach the pool and let out a choked sob when she saw Clarke floating in the water. She jumped in.

LINE

Polis, Summer Before Senior Year

Clarke lay on Lexa's bed, playing with the blanket. Lexa was looking over the forms she needed to fill out for soccer camp that summer. She chewed on the pen in her hand.

"Hey Lex?" Clarke whispered.

"Hmm?" Lexa replied.

"Do you really want to do soccer camp? I mean, Coach Indra told us that the instructor was about as useful as a beached whale and then said she kind of looked like one on top of that. I didn't really get much better either."

"Well then what do you suggest we do?" Lexa asked. "Do you really want to stay in Polis all summer doing nothing? I think I'd kill myself." Clarke flopped onto her stomach and scooted over to the edge where Lexa was leaning.

"I want to see the sunrise." She said.

"Okay. We'll get up every morning at 4 and climb onto the roof of the dorm so you can see the sunrise." Lexa suggested.

"Not from soccer camp!" Clarke giggled. "I want to see it over the ocean!"

"Like...the Atlantic ocean..." Lexa stated, turning to look at Clarke. "Klark, that's like...a day's worth of driving away from soccer camp."

Clarke blushed at the way Lexa extenuated her name, clicking the K sound. "Then we're not going to soccer camp." Clarke replied. "Come on, Lex...my aunt lives right on the beach. We could stay with her!"

"Your...gay...aunt." Lexa clarified.

"Yeah, she's happy."

"And married to a woman." The older brunette pointed out.

"That too." Clarke added. "Come on, Lexa, we could go there for a few days, and then...we'll see! If you want to come back and do soccer camp. But can we go? Pleaassee? This'll be the last vacation we'll have as high school students. Pleeaaassee?" She pouted and gave Lexa puppy dog eyes. Lexa sighed.

"Klark, this is ridiculous. We haven't planned anything out!"

"Sure we did!" Clarke flopped on her back and started counting on her fingers.

"You have a car. I have an aunt. Let's go!"

"That's not what I mean, Clarke. I mean we can't just up and leave. I have to clear it with my parents and you have to clear it with yours. And then we have to call up your aunt..." Without warning, Clarke got off the bed and all but sprinted downstairs. Lexa gave an exasperated sigh and chased after her, knowing full well what she was going to do. She walked down the stairs and into the kitchen where her mom was preparing dinner.

"Hey, Mrs. Woods!" Clarke chimed in.

"Hi girls, dinner isn't ready yet." Mrs. Woods said.

"Um...I was wondering..."

"Mom, don't listen to her. She's gone crazy." Lexa interjected. Clarke shot her a "hush you" look before continuing.

"So...Lexa and I..."

"Just her, mom. Not me."

"Well, I was thinking that since it was the last summer before senior year..."

"It's the only summer before senior year." Lexa corrected but Clarke ignored her.

"I wanted to take Lexa and go out to the east coast! My aunt lives over there and I'm sure she'd be happy to let us stay with her for a couple of days."

"What about soccer camp?" Mrs. Woods asked.

"I dunno. Maybe we'll skip it." Clarke shrugged.

"We are not skipping cheerleading camp!" Lexa all but shouted. "God..." She folded her arms. Her mom kept chopping up the carrots and Lexa counted down the seconds before she rejected the idea.

"I think that's a great idea." Lexa almost fell over in shock.

"Mom!"

"Oh, Lexa." Her mom rolled her eyes. "You've been going to soccer camp and coming back complaining how you didn't learn anything! Why waste money on something that's completely unnecessary? I think you should go with Clarke, it'll be fun."

"Mom!" Lexa repeated. "I can't just..."

"Yay! I'm going to go call my mom and tell her!" Lexa didn't even have a chance to register what was going on in the house when Clarke opened up her phone and dialled home. Lexa knew what Clarke's mother was going to say. It was going to be the same response she gave whenever Clarke asked if Lexa could sleep over, or go to a party or do just about anything.

"She said yes!" Clarke squealed as if she were surprised by the response.

"But your aunt..."

"She loves me, she'll definitely say yes!" Clarke replied, opening up her phone again and dialling a different number. Lexa looked at her mom, pleading with her eyes to make the madness stop. Her mother simply smiled at her when Clarke hung up and hugged Lexa saying that everyone had agreed. Lexa felt like curling up in her bed and waiting until this dream was all over.

It certainly didn't register when Lexa found herself loading up two dufflebags in the back of her silver mini coop roughly a week later. When she stopped and looked at Clarke, printed sheets of directions in hand while Lexa herself held the bags of clothes, towels and other necessities, she all but gave up.

"How the hell did I let myself get talked into this?" She wondered but she knew the answer. It was the same way that she got talked into joining the schools soccer team. When Coach Indra needed spies in the group, Lexa initially didn't care but Clarke, after seeing a match was so excited by the prospect.

"They get to score! All the time! And run!" Clarke bounced around excitedly.

When Lexa had said that it was stupid, Clarke pouted and batted her eye lashes until Lexa, in a huff, gave in. It was the same way that Clarke had gotten them to "experiment" with each other the first time (but not the subsequent times. Lexa would never admit that it was much better with Clarke than any of her other girlfriends.)

Of course, this time was no exception. So, dazed and confused at six in the morning, Lexa got into the car with Clarke in the passenger seat. Her mother leaned in through the window.

"You girls have fun." She said, winking at Lexa. Lexa felt like she wanted to bang her head against the wheel of the car until she woke up. "Not too much fun. Clarke, I'm asking you to keep an eye on Lexa."

"Yes Ma'am!" Clarke did a fake salute and Lexa mouthed "oh my god why" several times. She started the car and backed out of the driveway, Clarke cheering her on. By the time Lexa realized that all she had to do was fake engine trouble, they were well on their way out of Polis.

"I just want to make one thing clear." Lexa said firmly.

"Yeah?"

"We are only staying there for a few days, no more."

"Okay, Lexi, whatever you say." Clarke replied but they both somehow knew it was going to be more than just a few days. If the four dufflebags in the back were any indication, they had enough clothes for two weeks. Clarke kept herself busy by turning on the radio and rolling down the windows singing at the top of her lungs to Ed Sheeran. Lexa had to fight back a smile that time. No matter what the situation, Clarke could always make it lighthearted. As much as she didn't understand why she was driving well over ten hours to Boston where Clarke's gay aunt and her wife resided, some part of her couldn't resist the idea of spending time alone with the bubbly blonde. In less than an hour, Lexa had joined Clarke in practically screaming songs to the open wind.

Four rest stops and eleven hours later, they arrived in Cape Cod. Lexa and Clarke had taken turns driving so that Lexa wouldn't wear herself out and it was Clarke who pulled into the driveway of a small beach house only two miles from the actual shore. Two pugs dashed outside to greet them, followed by a tall blonde woman who looked startlingly similar to Clarke, just older and tanner.

"Hey Aunt Vera!" Clarke scrambled out of the car to give her a hug.

"Hey Princess." Lexa fought back a laugh when she heard the pet name. "Oh, look at you, you've grown so much."

"Thanks! This is Lexa." Lexa walked around the car and shook hands with her.

"It's nice to finally meet you." Vera said. "Clarke won't shut up about you.

Whenever I talk to her it's always 'Lexa and I did this' or 'Lexa helped me do this.' It's good to put a face to the name."

"Thanks, it's nice to meet you too." Lexa said politely. Clarke stooped down and picked up one of the pugs.

"Lex, this is Bungie! The other one is Cord. Bungie Cord!" She held the pug close to Lexa's face and she recoiled slightly upon receiving a doggie slobber facial. "He likes you!" Lexa wiped away the drool and proceeded to get the bags from the back. She hauled two over one shoulder and two over the other.

"Where should I put them?" She asked.

"Oh, just drop them in the living room. We have a spare bedroom upstairs you two can share. I'll show you in just a minute." Vera shouted after her. When Lexa went into the house, Vera turned to Clarke who was kissing and playing with Bungie.

"She's pretty." Vera observed. Clarke broke into a grin and stared at the doorway where Lauren had entered.

"Yeah." She said bashfully.

"I can see why you're enamoured. She's pretty, she's got a kickass body, and damn her eyes."

"I really, really like her Aunt Vera." Clarke admitted, putting Bungie down and picking up Cord. Her aunt smiled warmly.

"I remember the first time you called me up and told me about her." She reminisced. "You were almost in tears, Clarke. You told me, 'Aunt Vera, how did you know you liked Aunt Olivia?' You were so cute."

"I really like her." Clarke repeated.

"Do you love her?" Vera asked.

"Maybe..." Clarke chewed on her lip and then nodded. "Yeah."

"Does she love you?" Clarke cast a longing glance across the horizon.

"I dunno." She answered. "I mean...we...we do stuff all the time. But she does that with other girls too. She said that 'sex wasn't dating' and that we're soccer players so we can't do stuff like kiss in school." Vera nodded knowingly.

"I know how you feel, Baby." She put a hand on Clarke's shoulder. "She's probably just scared." The two of them turned towards the house when they heard a loud crash followed by a string of muffled curses.

"Lexa!" Clarke put the pug down and headed up the stairs.

"Clarke!" Vera shouted. Clarke turned around, glancing nervously inside the house because there was another loud thud. "You're in Cape Cod. Make things happen!" Clarke flashed her a quick smile before running inside to assist Lexa in whatever she was doing. Her aunt stood outside with the dogs excitedly running around the car. She chuckled a little when she saw the silhouette of the two girls, the older brunette leaning on the younger girl for support as they headed to the kitchen to find a first aid kit. They grow up too fast, she thought to herself.

"Ok, come on dogs, let's go!" She said, clapping her hands and racing the two brown dogs up the stairs and into the house. It was the beginning of the long stay for Clarke and Lexa on the east coast.

LINE

Cape Cod, February 5 Years Ago

The week following the death, Lexa didn't go back to school. She in fact refused to get up from her bed or even move. Most of the time she slept but her dreams were dominated by images of Clarke walking away, usually smiling invitingly at Lexa and beckoning her to follow but Lexa was always rooted to the spot and couldn't chase after her until Clarke disappeared from sight. She'd wake up from these dreams and curl up in a ball and cry. Gone was the warmth of Clarke's smile replaced by the cold darkness and the realization sunk in that the petite blonde girl was not lying next to her. There were many days where she wished she didn't have to wake up to the fact that Clarke was not brushing the hair back from her eyes or telling her that the past week was just a bad dream.

Her parents couldn't get her to eat, or talk and would only leave her room on rare occasions. Her mother knocked on the door to her room for the fiftieth time, trying to persuade her daughter to come out.

"Goufa?" Her mother whispered. "Please come out. Honey, your dad and I are worried sick about you. Come out and talk to us please." She had repeated the same exact sentence multiple times over the week and she didn't expect this particular time to work either without anything extra to add. This time, she held a letter in one hand.

"We just got a letter from Clarke's parents. They said the funeral is in three days." She waited and heard the soft sobs fade. That usually meant that Lexa had exhausted herself to sleep. Just as she was about to head downstairs, Lexa opened the door. Her usually bright green eyes were dull and red from crying and there were still fresh tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Mom..." Lexa's voice shook so hard it seemed like she would fall apart at any moment. Her mother fought back her own tears at seeing her daughter in such a state. She walked over and cradled Lexa in her arms.

"It's ok, goufa." She reassured.

"No it's not, mom. I loved her." Lexa cried.

"I know baby..." Lexa tore herself from her mom's embrace.

"I really loved her." Lexa repeated it over and over and her mother kept whispering comforting words, knowing that they were doing little to ease the pain.

That night Lexa had her first meal. It was simple, just a peanut butter sandwich and milk but it was a something. Her mother sat next to her and watched her eat. Lexa had to pause several times and just cry but it would pass and she'd take another bite until she finally finished.

"Yungon, take a shower. You've been stuck in your room all week." Her mother suggested and Lexa mechanically got up from the table and walked upstairs. Her mother cleaned up the dishes and sighed softly to herself. It was a start.

Everyone from the soccer team attended the funeral. There was not a single dry eye in the crowd the day they buried sunshine embodied. But there was one person who didn't attend and her absence was the most glaring thing that day. Lexa was nowhere to be seen. Raven looked around and texted her furiously during the entire thing, trying to figure out what possessed Lexa to miss such an important day.

"Where is she?" Octavia whispered. Raven shrugged and mouthed "I don't know."

It was around ten at night when a figure walked through the cemetery. In her hands she held a bouquet of yellow daisies, Clarke's favourite kind of flowers. Lexa knelt down before the grave and put down the flowers among the others.

"Hey Klark..." She whispered before she broke down in quiet sobs, hand rested on the top of the grave stone.

It wasn't like Lexa missed much of school. They were close to winter break anyway so Lexa got through classes by counting down the minutes until she could speed off to the graveyard and sit down next to Clarke's grave. Her parents only saw her late at night when she returned, curled up in bed and fell asleep. Every week Lexa brought fresh flowers, even when it snowed and covered everything. She dusted the snow off before setting the flowers down.

As it neared Christmas, Lexa did something so childish that if her past self-had seen her, she would've slapped her. Lexa took out a sheet of paper and wrote furiously.

Dear Santa, or God, or whatever the hell is out there.

Please, all I want for Christmas is Clarke back.

After writing those two lines, she pushed herself back from the desk, looked at the writing and covered her face. She was willing to try anything to bring back the feel of Clarke's hand curled around hers, or her soft kisses against her forehead when she was feeling bad. She folded the paper and went outside. She got into her car, her breath white in the air and drove to Clarke's grave. When she got there, she took the sheet of paper with the wish written down and let the strong wind take it away. She looked down at the gravestone.

"Please, please come back to me." She pleaded.

On Christmas Day, when Lexa woke up, a small flicker of hope ignited when the doorbell rang and woke her up. Heart pounding, Lexa threw on a bathrobe and raced downstairs. She all but flung the door open but the instant she did, her heart dropped. Standing outside, decked out in winter gear were all the members of the soccer team.

"Merry Christmas, Lexa." Octavia said before everyone launched into Christmas carols. Lexa stood in the doorway, forcing a smile. She looked up at the sky and felt foolish for letting herself hope that maybe, just maybe someone had granted her wish and brought the light and colour back into her life.

"Merry Christmas, Klark." She whispered so softly no one could hear.

When school started back up, everyone could tell that Lexa had changed, perhaps permanently. She was colder, meaner and more ruthless without Clarke. Coach Indra didn't mind. She saw a bit of herself in Lexa with her blatant disregard for the wellbeing of her teammates and her sudden obsession with perfection.

This carried over to soccer where she berated anyone who messed up on the pitch. At first, her fellow soccer team members let it slide, knowing exactly how hurt she was and that this was her coping mechanism. But after a few weeks they were fed up with Lexa taking her anger out on everyone. When Harper stumbled over Lexa, she immediately turned on her with all the wrath of an irritated snake.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you fucking fairy?" She snapped. Harper had enough.

"For the love of all things good, Lexa, shut the fuck up! Everyone here has lost her. Don't think that just because you were in love with her that it entitles you to blow up at everyone else! You need to do what we've all started doing a month ago and fucking get over her!" The instant she finished, she clapped a hand over her mouth. Everyone went silent and Miss Maya moved towards the two of them, ready to intervene in the murder of a one Harper Adams.

Lexa clenched her teeth and hands and she literally shook with rage. Tears streamed from her eyes as she glared at Harper with all the hate she could muster. If there was one thing the school learned was not to mention Clarke at all around Lexa. The boys in the room stood up, also ready to stop the impending attack. Lexa walked over to Harper and the boys moved closer.

"Lexa..." Miss Maya warned. Lexa stared into Harper's frightened eyes.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered. Lexa was trembling so hard and she lifted her hand to slap her.

"Fuck you." She hissed and walked out of the lunch room. The instant she walked by, Harper sat down, visibly affected by the incident just then.

"I shouldn't have said anything." She muttered over and over again.

"You need to apologize to her." Monroe said and Harper nodded. She spent the next several hours coming up with a suitable apology for what she just did to Lexa. She went to school the next day and waited by Lexa's locker. When she didn't show up that day, she waited until the next day. But as the days passed, it became apparent that Lexa was not coming back.

The night after Harper had all but torn out her heart, Lexa lay in her bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. She held a lumpy, misshapen duck against her chest and didn't move for hours. When she did, it was a mere glance down at the stuffed animal.

"I want to see the sunrise!" The image of Clarke's smiling face flashed through

Lexa's head. "I want to see it over the ocean." Lexa sat up and looked at the duck. Without thinking too much, she got off the bed and slipped into her shoes. She went out to the car and got in. She put the duck in the passenger seat and pulled out of her driveway. She started driving and in a few minutes, she was at the edge of town. She drove until she saw the sign that said "Welcome to New York." She suddenly felt sick and pulled over, resting her head on the wheel.

It suddenly dawned on her that if they never went on that road trip, maybe Clarke wouldn't have died. She never would have proposed. She wouldn't have dropped the ring in the pool because those rings wouldn't have been there in the first place. Lexa got out of the car and threw up on the side of the road. Shivering, she walked back to the car. If she had been more firm about going to soccer camp, Clarke would be alive. These thoughts raced through her head and she hit her head against the car door.

Clarke would still be alive if Lexa had done any of these things and Lexa could think of a million.

"Klar...Clarke I can't do this without you." Lexa cried. She sat against her car until she calmed down. When she felt like she could move again, she stood up and got back into the car and kept going. She hardly remembered the rest of the drive. One hour blended into the next and by eight, she found herself pulling up to the shore. The sun was barely rising.

"It's just as pretty as I remember it, Clarke." Lexa whispered, getting out of the car. She climbed on the roof and let the warmth of the first rays hit her face. She pulled her knees up to her chest and exhaled deeply. She closed her eyes and pretended that Clarke was leaning up against her, keeping her warm in the cold February morning.

"I'm coming Clarke." She jumped off the hood of her car and began walking towards the morning sun.

It would be fitting, really if she drowned herself. Fairly painless too since she knew that the cold water would put her in shock and then drown her. And then she could finally be with Clarke. She had contemplated suicide before but she never had the energy. But now, with the sunrise and the beach, it never seemed like a better idea. She walked towards the rolling waves and closed her eyes.

Just as her feet hit the sand, she heard barking from behind her.

"Lexa?" She turned around. Vera stood beside her car, staring wide eyed at the girl. Her resemblance to Clarke broke all the resolve Lexa had and she broke down in violent sobs. Vera was cradling her close in seconds.

"I miss her. I miss her." Lexa sobbed. Vera just held the girl tightly. Her heart broke for the curly haired brunette. She was so small and frail in her arms and she could tell that Lexa could fall apart at any moment. Vera held her as if she were the only thing keeping the trembling girl together.

So this is where it gets all angsty and emotional. I will update again tomorrow hopefully. What do you think so far?


End file.
